We have reached the end of another glorious year, and I hated much of it. Here is the soundtrack to 2018’s most despicable days. These 25 are ranked from least vile (#25) to most (#1), but it’s practically arbitrary; they are all awful.
25. Shawn Mendes – “In My Blood”
Ah, a dreamboat with a power ballad – how romantic! Thankfully, it was nominated by the Grammys for Song of the Year, so we can all hear it performed live.
24. Camila Cabello ft. Young Thug – “Havana”
Ah, so warm, so tropical, and so…….CATCHY. It’s so catchy, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!?
23. Migos ft. Drake – “Walk It Talk It”
Ah, now THIS is quintessential Migos – the repetition, the ad-libs – it’s all here! Plus, Drake?!? 40 years of rap have brought us here.
22. George Ezra – “Shotgun”
Ah, that voice. It’s so deep. Isn’t it nice that someone – especially a man – can just sing about riding in the front seat during the summertime? So #wholesome.
21. DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, & Quavo – “No Brainer”
Ah, I was really hankering for some of that “I’m the One” magic again. Another one, indeed – DJ Khaled, how do you do it?
20. Tiësto & Dzeko ft. Preme & Post Malone – “Jackie Chan”
Ah, I don’t know who three of these people are, but Post Malone has enough talent for all of them – what a legend.
19. Panic! At the Disco – “High Hopes”
Ah, P!ATD (as the cool kids call them) have been kicking it for a while, and now they’re finally getting what they deserve in this massive, high-octane hit that never lets up.
18. Rudimental ft. Jess Glynne, Macklemore, & Dan Caplen – “These Days”
Ah, it’s nice to see Macklemore still hanging around. There would really be a void of sentimental white rapping without him.
17. The Chainsmokers – “Beach House”
Ah, The Chainsmokers listen to Beach House? Me too!! That’s so crazy. Maybe Beach House can give them a shout out on their next single. It’s a great branding opportunity!
16. Weezer – “Africa”
Ah, this was so necessary. “Africa” was already literally the greatest song ever, but now the guys behind “Beverly Hills” get to redo it? Classic.
15. Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B – “Girls Like You”
Ah, I can’t wait to hear this at the Super Bowl. Can they get Cardi, tho??
14. Zedd, Maren Morris, & Grey – “The Middle”
Ah, why can’t he meet her in the middle? That’s so annoying and #relatable.
13. Imagine Dragons – “Natural”
Ah, Imagine Dragons have really earned the status of a stadium act. They really get the blood pumping and juices flowing!
12. Greta Van Fleet – “When the Curtain Falls”
Ah, whoever found this Led Zeppelin rarity deserves a prize. Wait – this isn’t Led Zeppelin?!? WOAH – BUT IT KICKS SO MUCH ASS! Just put them in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame already.
11. Kanye West ft. Lil Pump – “I Love It”
Ah, I was starting to worry about Kanye’s music ability for a little bit there. Good thing this breathtaking single restored everything.
10. Keala Settle – “This Is Me”
Ah, so empowering. I’m with her on every word of this. So brave. So true. No wonder it almost won an Oscar.
9. Rita Ora ft. Cardi B, Bebe Rexha, & Charli XCX – “Girls”
Ah, you know how girls can be – they drink a little and get all lesbian cray-cray. Girls are so funny.
8. Joyner Lucas – “I’m Not Racist”
Ah, Joyner Lucas really bridged some gaps with the lyrics and accompanying music video. Maybe all we need is to vent our problems with each other face to face. This is #woke.
7. Anne-Marie – “2002”
Ah, things are always better back in the day, aren’t they? It doesn’t even matter that none of these songs came out in 2002; it’s just so clever how she mashed them all up in the chorus.
6. 6ix9ine ft. Nicki Minaj & Murda Beatz – “FEFE”
Ah, above everything 6ix9ine has been in the news for this year – especially the child molestation stuff – he should actually be remembered for this bop that also doubles as a crowning achievement for Nicki Minaj.
5. Drake ft. Mariah Carey – “Emotionless”
Ah, Drake – go ahead and shrug off Pusha’s accusation that you were hiding a child to protect your name. People really do act fake on social media; you are right for hiding Adonis from the world. Mariah Carey has your back.
4. Justin Timberlake – “Supplies”
Ah, my man JT’s got supplies, as in wood and a generator for electricity – clever. And that music video? #Deep.
3. XXXTENTACION – “SAD!”
Ah, RIP.
2. Kanye West ft. T.I. – “Ye vs. the People”
Ah, give props to Kanye for allowing T.I. to question his opinions on record. We’re going to really need more conversations like these to get through this rough patch. Bipartisanship for the win.
1. Lil Dicky ft. Chris Brown – “Freaky Friday”
Ah, humor is such a necessary part of life. It helps us see the glass half full and brighten a dismal day. Luckily, Lil Dicky has an uncanny ability to find humor in troubling situations. He woke up in Chris Brown’s body!? What? That’s cause for concern, but NO, Lil Dicky approaches it like a champ. He can dance! Women like him! And he can say the N word! Wow! Now that’s a special perspective that only Lil Dicky provides in this day in age.
Everybody wants to be serious all of the time. People get so worked up over minor political debates, like what we should do about global warming and those kids kept in immigration detention centers. Even music is expected to be serious – Mitski whines about being lonely all the time, Pusha T has to out people’s dirty laundry, and Beach House just vent about dreams and windows nonsensically. It’s so draining. I just want to live care-free and laugh a little. The world would be a better place if we all approached life like Lil Dicky. Maybe we would be able to give Chris Brown a break, as well.
Bitter Melodies 